NeCon Countdown

I'm just about 1 week away from no more NeCon. I'm thrilled.

NeCon, for those of you not in the know, is a form of artificial contraception. My doctor uses it to control my cycle, get it on a schedule so that I'll be ready for the embryo adoption when the time comes for that. I hate taking it. I hate the little plastic box it comes in. I hate what it does. I hate what it was made to do. I hate that I gain weight on it. I hate that no matter how full I feel, when I'm taking this pill, I will always want more potato chips, jelly bellies, peanut butter and chocolate ice cream. I hate that I get irritable and bossy and mean and bitchy. I hate that it makes me cry when I hear weepy music. I hate that it exists.

It's as if someone took sin and boiled it down, compressed it, dehydrated it, dyed it yellow and packed it in three neat rows of seven. As I metabolize it my heart begins to beat a little faster. My chest feels heavy. My mind starts to jump from worry to worry. My breathing becomes shallow and anxious. The effects continue through out the day. I'm twice as anxious if I'm put on the spot. I'm more critical, less patient, and absolutely exhausted all the time.

Before I started taking the NeCon I was a different person. I was pleasant, thoughtful, patient. I was happy. I was one pound away from my pre-baby weight. Birds chirped and perched on my fingers. Butterflies picked me flowers. Now I hide in my basement muttering to myself and talking to spiders. I take it faithfully because I want very much to save the life of a child. Ironic that the pill was designed to prevent children from being born, but I digress.

It's a mixed bag. On the one hand, I really can't wait for this hormonal experiment to be over. On the other hand, I desperately want my babies to live. So I wonder, is it worth it? Is it worth my life and my figure and a chunk of my sanity to save a couple of multi-celled microscopic "things"?

Yes. Yes. And yes.

And I need to remember to thank God more often for the privilege.

"If God causes you to suffer much it is a sign that He has great designs for you and that He certainly intends to make you a saint. And if you wish to become a great saint, entreat Him yourself to give you much opportunity for suffering; for there is no wood better to kindle the fire of holy love than the wood of the cross, which Christ used for His own great sacrifice of boundless charity. " St. Ignatius Loyola