Broken by Summer Break

We've been in the throes of summer break for roughly 168 hours. My oldest has spent 150 of those hours fighting, arguing and complaining.

I find myself having frequent out of body experiences due to the stress. I envision Calgon commercials. I try to envision myself sitting on a mountain top dispensing wisdom to other mothers in crisis - trying to take something useful away from this with me. I think the only thing I'll end up with is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

I just had Mommy Talk (tm) with my oldest. I thought I was going to get a lot of Mommy Points (tm) today. He started complaining when I asked him to GET DRESSED. (Oh the injustice!!!) It's the 7th day in a row he's thrown a snit when asked to get dressed. (This is only one of seventy snits he throws each day for various things he's asked to do).

I put a show on for the littles and Will went with me to the porch swing. I thought, we'll talk rationally on the porch swing. I'll treat him the way I'd treat an adult - having a conversation with him, giving feedback, blah, blah. I will use the time with him to call him out and remind him that I'm not fooled by his bullshit. He needs to be reminded that I know what's going on in his head because he lets some really scary things rattle around inside that head of his.

Spending about 25 minutes in lecture mode, I emerged energized and happy. I had shared my wisdom with him. He was going to change and be happier. (Because honestly, the biggest heartbreak for me is seeing him dwelling on his unhappiness every moment of the day. How truly sad I am for him and for this choice he is making. It's pretty frightening too because I know that this thought pattern is just what the devil will use to make his adolescence a living hell). But onward -

Thirty seconds after my brilliant talk was over, my middle son, Mr. Cubby emerged from the house. The show had ended and he announced he was going to check the chicken eggs. A complaining groan issued immediately from Will's body. I quickly dismissed it as an old habit dying hard. I knew my last 25 minutes had not been spent in vain. Woo hoo. They could work TOGETHER gathering the eggs. Will now understood that I loved him just the same as I loved his brother so now, being equal in my eyes, they would live in harmony.

Red flags flew all over the place in the next 67 seconds. I told Will to go and work together with Mr. Cubby. Will bolted from his seat next to me and shoved his feet into his muck boots while Cubby was still trying to carefully tuck his feet into his boots. Will leaped from the porch steps and hit the sidewalk at a run.

"Come on, Cubby," he shouted. "Let's feed my rabbit first."

Mr. Cubby to his credit, is used to living with Will and his pathological need to be first and to micromanage every moment of the day and so Cubby followed as quickly as he could without complaint. I heard them in the rabbit house and things seemed fine enough. Then their voices faded as the two made their way to the chicken house. I listened for what I was now sure was inevitable.

And then it happened.

Mr. Cubby yelled the angriest yell he could muster. "Will. Stop. It." I was crushed - even though I knew what was coming I still hoped Will would control himself. Shortly after Will emerged from the chicken house with a triumphant spring in his step. Mr. Cubby followed in tears.

The two of them stepped up to me on the porch for judgement.

I have to stop at this point and explain what happened for those who don't have pathological children. Will loves to prove me wrong. He loves to be right at the expense of me and his dad. Sometimes he's open to love and tries really hard to do the right thing. Sometimes these talks I have with him are productive. But as often as they are productive, they fail. So now, I had two boys standing in front of me and Will's mission had been accomplished. I had just told him that I loved him as much as Cubby. He went to the chicken house as a "helper" and emerged as the bossy pants bully who gathered all the eggs himself and chose which eggs to give to his little brother. He didn't let Cubby have any say in what happened. Will led when he was supposed to follow and he led very selfishly.

And he stood before me now wanting me to "prove it." He wanted me to prove my love for him by letting him keep the egg he had bullied his brother out of. He wanted me to prove that I would chose him no matter what.

So what is a mother to do? It would seem that I couldn't win. Pick Cubby, Will is proven right. Pick Will, Cubby is once again the victim of manipulation and injustice.

So what did I do? I just sat and rocked and thought. In the silence, Will spoke up as he does, and gave a defense. Cubby countered angrily. I asked Will if he thought what had happened was fair. He said yes. I just looked at him. Then, in a huff, he traded eggs with his brother.

The heartbreak here was that he did it in a huff. There was no conversion today. He understood what he was called to do but his heart is still too hard. The bickering continues.

A mother who is a home educator (homeschool mom), emailed a group I'm in with the top 10 reasons to homeschool. Her final point was in bold. "To have the children home where they belong." I'm pretty sure, in her eyes, there are no exceptions to this. I think she's very much of the mindset that children should be home no matter what. But as I survey the current toxic environment of my home, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt, that there are some children who need to spend time away from home. If for no other reason then to allow their siblings the freedom to know it is possible to live a life free of manipulation, anger, and mistrust.

I had high hopes that this summer wouldn't be a mandatory Summer Camp summer but it's looking like we're going to have to go that route to keep Will's influence to a minimum.