Thyroid Secrets

Today I had my long awaited appointment with Dr. B. I write Dr. B. not to protect his identity but because I can't spell his last name. Dr. B is notable because he's not your run-of-the-mill OBGYN. He's Catholic, pro-life, won't prescribe artificial contraception and will order the little known "spit test" for girls like me who aren't healthy but appear to be.

I have a secret fear that many doctors I see think that I'm a hypochondriac because I have a long list of symptoms and no official disease. Over time I've stopped expecting a cure for my troubled ovaries but I still maintain hope that the rest of me can and will feel better if only I can find a doctor more interested in practicing medicine than pushing an agenda.

The appointment is one of the things I'm doing to get my body in shape to sustain a pregnancy. Of course I'm not taking the prenatal vitamins yet. I avoid doing what the books say I ought preferring the gnostic approach to health care and embracing the secret way that most doctors are too silly or stupid to know. I imagine that the practitioners of Scientology feel this way about Xenu.

Dr. B said to me today, "Well, they don't do the spit test much [in America]. Medicine is slow to change here. They do it in Europe though and it's very accurate." I know that he was telling the truth because the other day my husband told me that he read on The Drudge Report that in England they have developed a DNA log of citizens that they use to check against spit swabs collected from the sidewalk so they can send the offending spitters a ticket. Spit tests are, in fact, being done in Europe.

So, I took the spit test home and will do it tomorrow. I was gratified that Dr. B was able to tell me, given my litany of symptoms, that I have a troubled thyroid. Every doctor before this one has told me that my blood work is normal. Then they act like they're doing me a huge favor and give me a prescription for a tiny amount of synthroid or, when that stopped working, cytomel. I've always ended up taking myself off the meds and not returning to see the doctor after more than a hand full of visits because they seem to be interested only in whether or not I'm losing weight.

Doctor "Your weight looks unchanged. That's good."

Me "I've been experiencing some memory loss. Wasn't that supposed to stop?"

Doctor "Well the memory loss doesn't seem to have effected your weight so I wouldn't worry to much about it. Do you have any other questions?"

Me "Yes, actually, I do. Did you notice that clump of hair that just fell out of my head? Is that supposed to happen now that I'm on this medication?"

Doctor "Well, with the hair loss you may notice some fluctuations in your weight. If you notice a drastic change of more than say, 5 pounds, call us. OK?"

I'm concerned about getting my thyroid functioning properly, or at least getting it the support it needs, because it is very important during pregnancy. It helps sustain the pregnancy and gives mommies a much needed third trimester energy boost. I can attest to the fact that I felt GREAT during my third trimester.

Now I feel like a tree sloth.

Of course, some of that comes from the birth control horriblemones. Only 6 more days left of those nasty yellow beasties. Hooray. In about 15 days I'll get the results of the spit test. I have only good things in my future.