Ready and Researching

Medical notes. I got the all clear today. My lining was 13 or 13.5 (again, not sure if that's inches or feet) and my estrogen levels were high enough that I can decrease dosage to 2/ day tomorrow. Such a relief. Start progesterone shots tomorrow. One the first AM and two (one in AM and PM) everyday thereafter for the first 2 months of pregnancy or until a negative pregnancy test.

Commercial: Incidentally, I went to Shady Grove Fertility Clinic in Leesburg for my ultrasound and blood work both times. They were so nice. Much nicer than my other RE in the area who wouldn't make room in his busy schedule for me.

Thoughts: It's hard not to get neurotic over our embryo adoption. We're just days out from our fourth one (our 11th+ kid) and I'm looking obsessively for "more information" online. My main area of interest is with regard to multicell FET. Our other EA's were all at the 2pn stage (an earlier embryonic stage - pn stands for pro-nuclear but not the radioactive kind of nuclear) and only one of our embryos died during the thaw. I think the odds are not so good for multicell thaw and transfer but I can't find a lot to back up my suspicion. Granted, I'm not a doctor; I'm a neurotic mother so none of this suspicion is based in science or fact. I can tell you for a fact that blastocysts (embryos that are a day or two older than most multicells) survive transfers very well. However, they don't thaw well. I imagine that the older the embryos get and the more complex they become the more complicated it is to freeze and thaw them.

Now I feel guilty for thinking about this in such clinical terms.

What I really want is a way to see the future and to know what's going to happen with my new babies. I read statistics to help me feel better. What I'd really like to read is a study titled, "Scientists Definitively Prove That All of YOUR Embryos Will Be Born."

The FET is something that is so obviously not in my control. It's hard to trust God on this. It seems ridiculous. I have everything I've ever wanted but I have a hard time trusting God. Crazy girl! It's just hard to trust. I've always, always, always been scared of being hurt, especially by God and stinging bugs. I really hate stinging bugs but I don't blame them for being scary. They can't help it. God is much scarier than stinging bugs because He's got all the power. He decides everything. EVERYTHING. God could let the embryos live or let them die. He could make them all healthy or He could make them sick. He could make them amazingly smart or He could give them a limited intellect. He could give them super adorable Mr. Cubby type personalities or He could make them into little tax-loving Democrats. He could give us nothing or He could multiply the heck out of one or more embryos. Who knows what could happen.

So I worry.

I wish I was one of those people who can honestly say, "I'm not worried. I gave all my worries up to God." I do believe there are people who can do that. I don't happen to be one of them. This is what I do. I say, "God, I give you all my anxieties." Then He comes over and takes hold of them but I hang on with all my might, white knuckles, teeth grinding. Tug of war with God is easy; He always lets me win.

Mr. Cubby does this with me sometimes. He gets frustrated with his shape sorter so he fusses and holds it out to me for help. I come over and take hold of it. He gets even more frustrated and pulls it back from me. I could overpower him, take the shape sorter and fix it, but it seems better to let him have it back until he's really ready to let it go. It would be nice if letting go metaphorically was as easy as letting go literally - but I guess it's all a matter of perspective.

Anyway, we're still keeping our prayers focused on the miracle of the multiplication of the loaves (the proverbial bun in the oven). We'll see what happens.