Grieving

Last night I cried when I was praying. I thought of the baby who didn't make it, the one who until now was referred to as "Mr. Cubby's genetic sibling" because it seemed premature to name him before we found out the fate of his other three thaw buddies. I asked God to please hold my baby until I got there to take over. I didn't get a chance to hold him; not even in my womb. I wonder if he would have had Mr. Cubby's chocolate brown eyes or his chunka munka thighs.

John was incredibly supportive. He comforted me. He understands. It is his loss too. We agreed to name him last night and knew almost immediately what his name should be - Athanasius. He is named for a great defender of the faith who was a contemporary if not a friend to St. Nicholas. They both attended the Council of Nicea together. Though it was reported that St. Nicholas punched the heratic Arius, I'm sure Athanasius was tempted. Incidentally, while it is St. Nicholas who is a patron of our home, a patron of Mr. Cubby and a saint who has guided our efforts to have children, we credit St. Athanasius with arranging the first meeting between me and John.

Athanasius has two other genetic siblings, Benedict and Scholastica. John assures me that they are very happy in heaven and very thankful not to be frozen any longer. I know he is right.

After mass on Sunday I spoke with a priest. The 2ww is very hard at times and seems to get worse when I'm in the presence of God. Sunday I felt far from God, or rather, as if God was far from me. The priest was very kind, especially since I had few coherent thoughts for the first few minutes. But then, once he pieced things together he said to me, "Those children you adopted, you gave them a great gift. They are saints in heaven now. And you can meet them one day if you stay close to God, in a state of grace."

I liked how he didn't canonize me on the spot but urged me to stay on the path to holiness. :) And it's comforting to think that I will see them again. But I can't help but wish that I could see them now.